Beating around the bush.

Finally I am getting back the old feelings and turning to a new me but still the same me.
Tapi, I am missing everything that I have left behind and everything that left me behind.
What phase am I in now?
Take me away to another phase where I can't be any closer like I am now.


p.s. My bestfriend is nowhere I can reach, I don't understand why she keeps doing it over again.
I am really dissapointed with her.

You know it but you ignore it - Why?

I don't know lah. I was feeling alright until today, I felt uneasy. I am not feeling comfortable with what am feeling at right this moment. I am not sad neither would I cry but surely I don't feel content. I hate describing feelings, confusing than ever.

I wan't September to end and October to even come faster - leaving all the classes, exams and the thought of you. November comes the fastest please, I long for vacation!


P.S. another reason I started blogging is because of a person, - it is for the hardest thing to say will be written here for the person to understand. Well, it doesn't matter anymore

Break my heart in two

Fed-up!
Yeah with excuses, the reasons why, confusion, loneliness, boredom, drama - with everything and almost everyone.

Why can't things in life be straight? Do what you say, say what you do! Susah sangat ke tu?
Don't turn around anything because you are fucking confusing me and once am confused, I will be pissed bloody off.

I don't feel content and full either. Do I have to leave everything I have with everyone?
Or maybe I should just get away alone! Nobody knows but me. No one will ever understand even when they say they do. Don't even call yourself a friend when you are not even close to understand me.

What's left for me?
I need a shoulder to cry on but, when I look around, am on my own. On my own!!!
Am so stressed out. I want to cry, as loud, as hard, as much as I could.
Am done talking. I just need to cry my heart all out.
Not everything is about everyone. I want everything is about me, HANDLE ME WITH CARE BECAUSE I'M FRAGILE!!

Tolonglah don't talk shit. Jangan cakap lain buat lain. Jangan juga buat empty promises and giving me false hope. Or... don't say anything at all. Am fine with nothing at all.

p.s. come back come back wherever you are. I can't be alone no more. I need someone to give me the shoulder, the hug I long to have.

Holding on

Yes, am vainly looking out for something - something, somehow that moves me.
I know I have been moving around much but am nothing reaching any closer to my destination yet never knew where am going or eventually end up stopping.

I keep telling it's time but, when is it actually 'it's time?'.
My time will either be too late or too early and I usually end up regretting for the too-late-time.
Yeah, am waiting for the perfect time but, what is the perfect time?
There is no such time.

Friends keep asking me to forget as they believe I'll find better even they ask me, how long do I take to forget? I say, I forget for how long I have known.. that's what it takes to forget.

Surprisingly, I never give up you. Though I have hardly tried, I still can't get you off. Though it has been months and there are reasons to forget, even I have enough reason just to ditch you out of my life, but I never wish you are out of mine. I sendiri tidak tahu kenapa walaupun I keep asking myself kenapa. Frankly, i really am tawar hati and maybe sooner or later, i would just keep my life shut off of you. I hanya keep holding on to faith that maybe, someday, we would be as we used to be.. maybe, someday, insya-Allah, in god's will.

Tell me when it's over

am tired, i really am- mentally, emotionally and physically.
but i have to keep moving and moving around, just to move on.

i was the one who used to be happy, nothing else matters but having fun.
as am growing older, i become the person whom i never knew.
sometimes i can get too moody, my mood jumps around everywhere for no particular reason.
to answer the question why, i am not satisfied with my life and how my life turns out to be.
am disappointed with what the world offers me to take in.
am worth more than the pain. i have waited for so long for a miracle. what more it takes to put mercy on me? am fucking tired and fed up!!!!!!!

i rasa kosong! hidup i rasa kosong. i have nothing yang i boleh turn up to.
sometimes i rasa am losing my own self. i dont even know who i really am anymore.
and sometimes i also rasa am moving too fast, sehinggakan i tak tahu apa yg telah i tinggalkan dan apa yg telah tinggalkan i. i need a big slap that brings me back to reality. yes, a big hard slap!

i wish i could turn back time (i know this sounds sick and fucking cliche)
but it all started meeting up with the east. my life becomes complicated.
i wish i could have my normal life back where there will be only me and my girlfriends.
a simple life that makes me tenang. am done drama.
am taking back my steps, am moving forward- skipping the drama.
i dont want to get involved with any of this.
i nak ketenangan and my quality time with my girlfriends, just them, alone.

p.s. god, please make it easy for me. make me slow down. am fragile.

Still loving you

haha how funny when i read my last post, writing about the guitar guy. he is just my distraction.
i needed distraction and more distractions. This means by meeting up new ehem guys.
Tapi, datanglah sebanyak mana distractions, guys, everything still reminds me of him.
I never loved someone as much as this after Fik, my last bestfriend. When the unexpected friend came into my life. I have started loving him lovingly, so deeply until it hurts me when I know I have lost him to someone else or to life of his.

Last saturday, without planning, my friends and I went to TC. Good heavens, I miss TC! TC is my second home. I used to hate Kuantan but not until I found my peace of mind there, now, TC is the place I go to escape.

And... so long I haven't cried since the day I knew I have lost him. I shed my tears for all the good bad days I had there including the days I spent with him. I miss him..... I miss talking and arguing with him... I thought I could stand strong without him... but I will try to stand alone without him.

p.s. I miss hearing my phone rings at 4am and it's you who's calling me.

I just keep moving on to unexpected

Don't call it love but the warm feeling am feeling when you're close to me makes me wonder is this what people meant by no matter how long you have loved someone, once you catch the unexpected person, everything changes.

How surprising am missing the time spending with you. Your guitar strings open up space to squeeze you in my almost broken heart. You look at me straight to the eyes when you're playing rock songs, my heart flies away with the melody. I've been swayed by you.

Though you're not closer than perfection of the man I've been long to be but perfect may occur in another mean of perfection. Now, I see you're perfect in your own way. Never I thought I would feel warm around you but am dependent at the moment of taking me away to be around you, more and more.

Suddenly, I miss you already. We both are strong, much stronger to have the guts to let go the person we love. I just moved on and you just let go the girl you loved. Aren't we the survivors in love? Yes, certainly we are.

Wait for me, I'll be back to be around you and your guitar. You may not know what am feeling, I may not know what am feeling either but for the time being, some things are better left unsaid. Let's just go with the flow and see how we go, how far we go.


p.s. can't stop wanting to be around you. thank you for beautiful days spent.

Secretly explained

It’s been 2 months of silence and this?
Accidentally, coincidentally I found out that you’re in love with someone else. Don’t ask what am feeling towards it at the moment. Typical feelings when your heart breaks you, that is what am feeling.

The sad part is, though he says am the best friend, but, do I have to find out myself that he is in love with the girl he just met. Why can’t he tell me straight?

Don’t worry, am letting you go. Am nothing better but as what everyone says, am the so-called fairy godmother. No matter how much I hate the fact is, I just can’t deny.

You can count on me, nothing has changed but you, yourself. Am still me, still your best friend as you said.


p.s. everyone, everything still reminds me of you

Another escape brings me fast boat anxious

I always thought that things happen when we least expected them to happen or when we are about to lose hope, there is where miracle takes place. (Not so true about miracles at times)

I got a phone call from my girlfriend, telling me that we are going to Perhentian on this coming Monday. Just what am needing at this moment, another escape from hustle-bustle KL. This is the only opportunity to recharge and to bring all my senses back so I can have a good life.


p.s. fast boat to get to Perhentian? OMG! Dahla I paranoid bila dekat laut, you're asking me to naik fast boat? Right... tapi as long as I can get there dengan selamat. Then, am all fine. Still.... I gelabah...

In remembering of Fik: To Fie

Remember, thing number 2 I've posted minutes ago, if you love someone, say it out or it passes you by and somehow you realize you never said anything about it and end up blaming yourself.

Frankly, I do not know what love is or how to love someone or even bad, I don't know if I love someone. Until one of the days, my friend asked me, "Are you in love?".
Another friend of mine, "Babe, your eyes are no good in lying. Though I haven't seen you love someone but when you do, I just can tell - straight away."

I DON'T KNOW MYSELF!

To Fie,

Tell me, is it just my feelings that I feel you’re distant or something is actually going on wrong between us? You know, I am pretty much confused with myself. I don’t know what my real feelings are but I think I sayang you. Seeing you distant like this just makes me hanging wondering in disappointment and sadness. I don’t know what are you up to these days even I feel like we don’t talk like we used to talk anymore. Or is it again because I have come to my realization that I sayang you, that is the reason why am feeling uneasy. I don’t know - you tell me, are we ok?

What am I to you? What do you want from me?
Sometimes, I don’t feel normal in our relationship. You tengok sahajalah, dah berapa lama we’ve been friends tapi berapa kali sahaja kita actually lepak? I nak je spend time with you in KL tapi you seem out of reach. Lebih-lebih lagi waktu sekarang ini. You don’t pick-up my call, not even returning any of my calls and the worst for the simplest and easiest way, you don’t reply to my SMS. I tak pernah abaikan you sebab I take you seriously. If you meant what you said before to me, why are you acting like this? Am I not your friend, your best friend as you call it? Sejujurnya, I sedih. What am I if you don’t take me as your friend?

Remember you said to me once that I am your best friend, you need me as I am important in your life where you just can’t leave me and you only have me to talk to? Then, please don’t take me for granted. Please do as you said to me. Please mean what you said. I need you as well and just so you know, you are important to me.

There is one thing you should know, for whatever we are sekalipun, I want to keep whatever we have. I want to be the one or at least among the first ones you will turn up to, yang you cari if anything happens to you. Don't take me be the last to know juga. Also, take me be your crying shoulder.

I am sorry. Sorry for everything I did intentionally or unintentionally especially on what happened in Kuantan. I don't know how it happened but it happened unexpectedly and things shouldn't turn out that way. I wanted to spend time with you but I guess we all were tied up with one another and the surrounding. I regretted on it and am not blaming anyone but, if I could, I would like to go on spending time with you and talk with you for hours and more hours. And Fie, I know I pernah buat you marah dan sakit hati tapi you tak pernah nak cakap dekat I pasal tu. How would I know then if you didn't tell me? I hope the next time if we ada problem or whatsoever, just say it to each other's faces.

Fie, let me tell you something. Remember in Kuantan you kept asking me in the car on what you want? Though I don't have the exact answer but all am saying is, if you keep looking out and not appreciating what you have now, you might just lose everything. If you keep trying new things and new people (girls), you mungkin terlepas apa yang bagus untuk you. You tak akan sedar ini sebab you rasa ini masih tak cukup tapi tanpa disedari you mungkin akan terlepas benda/orang yang buat you complete.

Whatever happens sekalipun, I don't want to lose you even as a friend. Please don't blame me for trying. Am too fragile until I have to hide myself under my ego. Am no good of showing my love but when I really sayang someone, I really am serious about it. Just so you know, I tak akan tinggalkan you for any reason sekalipun. I will always be here and there for you. Even if I terpaksa tinggalkan you, believe me it will takes years to forget someone like you. Even if I happy with others, if you ada, you tetap ada. As long as hati I tak berubah, you akan tetap ada. I bukan nak samakan you dengan my old friend, Fik. Tapi I know what am going through now and what happened before. I don't want to rosakkan whatever we have. I learned my lesson and it hurt me badly before. I don't expect much from you dan I tak sekat whatever you are doing now, I just want you to appreciate me and don't forget me. Take me seriously if you meant apa yang you beritahu I sebelum ni. Even if I am just a friend, still doesn't mean you tak perlu ambil I seriously kan.

Learning in time

Long I have not updated my blog.
Though this is my freedom of expression where not all my friends know that I do blogging but those (also only two or three persons) who come across this page of expression, I hope there is no judgment made. This is just another random posts, stories by an anonymous that everyone, once in a while is having in times.

In times, things are changing - so as people, so as feelings, so as myself. There is so much to learn in so little time or maybe in so little time, accidentally I learn many things.

Things I have learned so far:

1. I don't know what I want but I certainly know what I don't want. Though I know what I don't want but still, it doesn't make me any clearer of what I want.
2. Don't ask me 'Are you happy?' because that is the question I have been asking myself all this while.
3. If you love someone, say it out or it passes you by and somehow you realize, you never said anything.
   
4. And yes, I am lonely but am not desperately looking for a man. May he comes in time.
   

To whom I wouldn't allow to know what my real feelings are

I SAYANG YOU,
As easy as it means, as hard as it says
I never really thought I could come across of loving you
Though am not expecting much
But all am saying is that I care for your happiness and sadness
Once I was afraid of losing you
But if that what makes you stay with me, am letting you go
As hurt as it may be, willingness am giving
Your coolness hides your inner-self
Where believe me, you are as good as a human should be
Words are not easy to be saying by me
As blurry as you see, am trying to let you know that I take the world of you
Come closer to think of it, holding back is what I have chosen
Timing is everything here
If you are seeing me like am seeing you
A secret am keeping will be revealed without a word
Have never I love you less and less
Always running in clouds, day and night
As you may not realize, am missing you though I may seem rough
I sayang you though I may not showing it
As afraid of the world, more afraid of breaking

p/s: I have been mixing with random people lately. Somehow, it sets me free from the confusion and thoughts that stuck for years in myself. Slowly, am distancing loved ones just to find back the sparkles that used to have. As much as I love them, as much of not losing them I pray. And for some reasons, I can’t leave a person whom I love. Though I might have meeting possible person to tackle my heart but I don’t have the heart to let him go. Maybe there are chances but timing is the matter. Well, maybe it is just a false hope. I don’t know. I cant tell this as he is so much close than far. But, am trying to leave this to the flow, see where it takes us. As long as the heart still wakes up for him, the long I will be loving...

Leaving in peace

Am trapped with own confusion - to go away or to be gone away.

Insecurity eats me up, shrink the feelings I have and had.

Afraid of own choice, might leave in emptiness.

From the days i started to leave you to days i wanted you to be around, am hopelessly tired.

......

Life has its ups and downs - make the most of it

What is done, done

If leaving is the choice - leaving in peace I choose

.

p.s. nothing feels as high as SKL

She needs white space

she says:
i think its easier to tell someone who knows u but doesnt know u like ur best friends know u

he says:
yeah...i totally agree. ur bestfriend wud understand u well

she says:
yeah best friends understand us well but when the problem is about them, they will not understand and i cant tell them

he says:
yeah i knoe what u mean....sometimes they ambil hati when its bout them. kadang kala its best to tolerate la when ur best friend upsets u

.....

he says:
maybe u need some time alone

yes indeed i need space.

Always bickering!

It was 4 am in the morning when my friends were complaining about their boyfriends. Khye just finished talking to Aliff but was pissed off and Sheila was arguing with Stanley. This is normal, seeing them fighting every night on the phone.

They once asked, is this still love after years they have been together?

Entahlah, macam mana I nak jawab when I, myself tidak pernah ada serious relationship. If it is worth the fight then stick to your boyfriend. A relationship needs compromising. It is ok if you give in more than your boyfriend, he’ll catch up.

You know friends, nak cari someone sahaja sudah takes time and it takes years to get to know someone lagi. Berapa tahun lagi you mahu untuk settle down when u have reached 20s? So, think before you leave your boyfriend, mungkinkah chances to get to know someone itu ada lagi? And even if you nak cari someone, you have to cari someone yang jauh lebih baik daripada the old one, don’t go for the lebih kurang one. No point of looking for a new one then – until or unless your boyfriend is a total jerk, memang patutlah you tinggalkan dia.

p.s What happens when the love just stops?

Mr. Afiq, I am lost!

Ehem.. Am in class and again, secretly using the Internet when Mr. Afiq is merepek-ing about whatever shit permainan tradisional. We are supposed to take bloody pictures about any permainan but only one permainan tradisional for our photo gallery next week. Esok jom menembak geng!

Kesian kan? Sheila, Caon and I terpaksa keluar from our kelas, D and masuk ke kelas C. Funny thing is, this class is always berperang mulut. Fun! haha. Anyways, this class is better than A, Journalism class. What the...

p.s. Sheila is sibuk-ing checking her bf's facebook :P

In class at the moment

Am in my Photo Comm class and secretly using the Internet while the whole class is watching a documentary film about poverty and war thingy.

I have forgotten that I once wished that I would do photojournalism when am older until today. I know the course that I am taking now which is Mass Communication completes me. I see communication differently from the others and how people spread stories really excite me. I am no afraid to voice out my thoughts and I value life highly. The world is so much than just a gigantic circle. Anyways, pray that somehow, one day, I would be able to put myself in Photojournalism and travel the world to do more documetary films and journals.

.

p.s. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Wink. Wink. Anyone? Be my date? haha

Fed-up

Am i taking things seriously than I am supposed to take or things in my life are meant to be taken seriously?

"You jadi macam ni sebab you macam ni. Ego you.."

I ni bukan berani sangat nak take chances. I am afraid to get hurt until it actually hurts myself. Entahla... Life is simple but complicated. Right.. then apa yang simple-nya until it complicates everything or.. am I just making it complicated? Confusion, I've been jailed in confusion for so long.

The hardest week

Am having a bad week this week - too much to take at a time

Sungguh lama rasanya untuk minggu ni berakhir
Banyak juga yang berlaku dan berakhir dalam minggu yang panjang ini
Bertukar-tukar emosi sehingga tidak tertahan lagi untuk menahan
Masih juga tiada yang memahami
Sehingga kini masih juga keliru
Namun, masih juga kuat dalam ketakutan dan kelemahan ini

My day & night

How ironic when I jokingly told my friends that I am feeling lonely and my life feels empty when the next day I found out that my friends found their sayangs and even my ex has a new girlfriend. Now, i really am feeling empty - at times, nights.

.

p.s. i love you - is it a fact or just another idea? if i love you, will you love me back? that's definitely won't be a fact but an idea.

Half-awake

I've been giving myself a silent treatment lately. I feel disconnected with my head and heart - still, I am half-awake. Am trying to give myself time and space to find my way back home.

-

There are times at night, I wake up feeling lonely. I think, I want and I need to get myself a person whom I could start my day with and end my day with, everyday - although by just using phones, I still value that highly.

.

p.s. I just came back from Cameron. Escaped!

I'll come back

khye says:
u jgn cepat sgt nak judge n pk negatif

.

Buat pertama kalinya, I pilih my good friend untuk I bercakap instead of my best friend. Entahlah, I tak tahu kenapa I rasa I perlu jauhkan diri sekejap

.

I am sorry. I need to give myself away from you. It's not you, it's me. I am confused. There are many people around you who care about you. I don't know whether am I one of them anymore. It confuses me. Truly sorry. I love you, always.

.

if you wait for me, then i'll come for you

although i've travelled far, i always hold a place for you in my heart

if you think of me, if you miss me once in a while

then i'll return to you and fill that space in your heart ...

i'll find my way back to you if you'll be waiting

- Tracy Chapman, The Promise

Looking back time

I remember this was the time I went out with my friends to clear my kepala yang serabut 2 months back. Thanks Afat, I took these pictures from your blog. Darling u!

Singular or plural?

• who makes my day everyday
• who will be in my received calls and dialled numbers lists the most
• who could be there at 3 am, 4 or even 5 to call up to
• who keeps in touch with me everyday or almost everyday even with a simple hello
• who could see me when i am invisible
• who really means when saying, sayang
• who makes me happy or at least makes me smile
• and who could make me return the love back

I haven't have a clue who this particular be. I don't want to be surrounded by people with fake drama. I want my life to be real, for real. =)

I choose to be sensible and matured.

Maybe it’s normal to many adolescents to feel the so-called need to try out new things and by new things, I mean not-so-good-new things. I see my friends are changing themselves drastically - drugs, smoking, drinking, losing virginity, law-breaking, identity crisis just to name a few. I don’t judge them and I certainly don’t judge people cuma, I feel sad that I should have realized their changing before they become worse. How funny when all of my friends and each of them is involved at least in one of these so-called cool things. Then again, no one can help them but themselves.

I am no angel too. I was once a smoker and I smoked for about 2 years. I almost took ecstasy but, I came back to my senses before I try them -Syukur Alhamdullilah. The reason why? I don’t feel the need to do so. So, who needs to be blamed for? Kalau dah cakap remaja tu, all youngsters are facing the same problem. We are lost and confused. I don’t blame myself, not my friends and not even other teenagers. One day, we’ll find our ways when we are ready to grow up. I am growing up and nothing tempts me. Freedom!

You are your own teacher

I always wanted to volunteer myself to do community work especially in helping our children in education. To me education is important, that’s how people learn to be civilized. Also, education helps us, Malays to be noticed by other races which I think we have been labeled as ’katak bawah tempurung’ by some group of people for ages. Sedih-kan? We know we’re good so why can’t we show them we’re great in fact. Plus, education is the only way to educate us and a way for us to escape ourselves in many ways.

I am no good myself but I never stop learning - the life itself is a learning process.

p.s. another next thing that i would love to fight for is arts!

Unexpected friend

Waking up with Tori Amos’- Sleeps with butterflies, looking out the window –Ampang is still sleeping and I am missing someone.

Last night before I went to sleep, I watched Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Sebagaimana Joel (Jim Carrey) wants to delete all the memories he has with Clementine (Kate Winslet), sebegitu juga I nak delete you dalam sistem I. Tapi, semakin Joel cuba untuk memadam Clementine, he is fear of losing her forever. Begitu jugalah I rasa. I can’t accept the fact that once you came into my life then you’re gone. Sudah I cuba untuk buat you faham, sepertinya you masih tidak faham. Biarlah, kalau sekali you tidak faham, selamanya you tidak akan faham sebab I have learned that you are lembab haha.

I know am acting strange when I realise I’m about to lose you to someone else. Jealous is a strong word, afraid is more accurate. Yeah, am just afraid of you – giving up me. Entahlah, susah I nak ada faith in someone. Sebab tu I keep pushing people away before I get hurt by them. And, if you terkeliru yang I nak jadi someone you, believe me, I tidak akan jadi your someone.

I harap you faham perangai I macam mana. Kalau I sense that you’re leaving, I’ll immediately leave you. I kesal dengan apa yang berlaku tapi, shit just happens. You are a good friend. Tak pernah gagal to make my day and always there to talk to. So, I hope you faham nilah perangai I. I don't want to lose you either and I tak tahu you tahu atau tidak tapi, I sayang you juga

Macam mana will be my way of showing you, you'll know yourself and I still haven't figured out your way of showing me

.

p.s. if only you could listen more of what I want to say and sensitif ke I maybe you'll understand me

None gotten

Maybe if i told you the right words at the right time you'd be mine - Tracy Chapman, Baby can I hold you.

I give up my feelings just to tell myself that I am no fragile.

I hide my
feelings just to tell others that I am happy for their happiness.

I ignore my feelings just to make me confused.

and.. am just beating around the bush..

She's my babe!

I just keep running away from things, babe and I tidak kemana pun walaupun I sentiasa lari dan menghilangkan diri. See, what am I getting sekarang ni? I get confused. Sejauh mana pun I rasa I lari, I keep coming back to where the troubles are. I am tired of looking for reasons to believe in but I know I am stronger in the broken places.

So babe, open up. Tiada gunanya u nak simpan sorang-sorang when u ada i. Biarkan aje I lari sejauh mana dan biarkan aje I sorok di mana-mana aje I nak tetapi, I tidak akan tinggalkan u. U sendiri tahu I am afraid of losing u walaupun I selalu aje buat drama and hal. Haha. I may look cold but I never stop loving the people I love and that includes u.

I love you! =)