In remembering of Fik: To Fie

Remember, thing number 2 I've posted minutes ago, if you love someone, say it out or it passes you by and somehow you realize you never said anything about it and end up blaming yourself.

Frankly, I do not know what love is or how to love someone or even bad, I don't know if I love someone. Until one of the days, my friend asked me, "Are you in love?".
Another friend of mine, "Babe, your eyes are no good in lying. Though I haven't seen you love someone but when you do, I just can tell - straight away."

I DON'T KNOW MYSELF!

To Fie,

Tell me, is it just my feelings that I feel you’re distant or something is actually going on wrong between us? You know, I am pretty much confused with myself. I don’t know what my real feelings are but I think I sayang you. Seeing you distant like this just makes me hanging wondering in disappointment and sadness. I don’t know what are you up to these days even I feel like we don’t talk like we used to talk anymore. Or is it again because I have come to my realization that I sayang you, that is the reason why am feeling uneasy. I don’t know - you tell me, are we ok?

What am I to you? What do you want from me?
Sometimes, I don’t feel normal in our relationship. You tengok sahajalah, dah berapa lama we’ve been friends tapi berapa kali sahaja kita actually lepak? I nak je spend time with you in KL tapi you seem out of reach. Lebih-lebih lagi waktu sekarang ini. You don’t pick-up my call, not even returning any of my calls and the worst for the simplest and easiest way, you don’t reply to my SMS. I tak pernah abaikan you sebab I take you seriously. If you meant what you said before to me, why are you acting like this? Am I not your friend, your best friend as you call it? Sejujurnya, I sedih. What am I if you don’t take me as your friend?

Remember you said to me once that I am your best friend, you need me as I am important in your life where you just can’t leave me and you only have me to talk to? Then, please don’t take me for granted. Please do as you said to me. Please mean what you said. I need you as well and just so you know, you are important to me.

There is one thing you should know, for whatever we are sekalipun, I want to keep whatever we have. I want to be the one or at least among the first ones you will turn up to, yang you cari if anything happens to you. Don't take me be the last to know juga. Also, take me be your crying shoulder.

I am sorry. Sorry for everything I did intentionally or unintentionally especially on what happened in Kuantan. I don't know how it happened but it happened unexpectedly and things shouldn't turn out that way. I wanted to spend time with you but I guess we all were tied up with one another and the surrounding. I regretted on it and am not blaming anyone but, if I could, I would like to go on spending time with you and talk with you for hours and more hours. And Fie, I know I pernah buat you marah dan sakit hati tapi you tak pernah nak cakap dekat I pasal tu. How would I know then if you didn't tell me? I hope the next time if we ada problem or whatsoever, just say it to each other's faces.

Fie, let me tell you something. Remember in Kuantan you kept asking me in the car on what you want? Though I don't have the exact answer but all am saying is, if you keep looking out and not appreciating what you have now, you might just lose everything. If you keep trying new things and new people (girls), you mungkin terlepas apa yang bagus untuk you. You tak akan sedar ini sebab you rasa ini masih tak cukup tapi tanpa disedari you mungkin akan terlepas benda/orang yang buat you complete.

Whatever happens sekalipun, I don't want to lose you even as a friend. Please don't blame me for trying. Am too fragile until I have to hide myself under my ego. Am no good of showing my love but when I really sayang someone, I really am serious about it. Just so you know, I tak akan tinggalkan you for any reason sekalipun. I will always be here and there for you. Even if I terpaksa tinggalkan you, believe me it will takes years to forget someone like you. Even if I happy with others, if you ada, you tetap ada. As long as hati I tak berubah, you akan tetap ada. I bukan nak samakan you dengan my old friend, Fik. Tapi I know what am going through now and what happened before. I don't want to rosakkan whatever we have. I learned my lesson and it hurt me badly before. I don't expect much from you dan I tak sekat whatever you are doing now, I just want you to appreciate me and don't forget me. Take me seriously if you meant apa yang you beritahu I sebelum ni. Even if I am just a friend, still doesn't mean you tak perlu ambil I seriously kan.