Beating around the bush.

Finally I am getting back the old feelings and turning to a new me but still the same me.
Tapi, I am missing everything that I have left behind and everything that left me behind.
What phase am I in now?
Take me away to another phase where I can't be any closer like I am now.


p.s. My bestfriend is nowhere I can reach, I don't understand why she keeps doing it over again.
I am really dissapointed with her.

You know it but you ignore it - Why?

I don't know lah. I was feeling alright until today, I felt uneasy. I am not feeling comfortable with what am feeling at right this moment. I am not sad neither would I cry but surely I don't feel content. I hate describing feelings, confusing than ever.

I wan't September to end and October to even come faster - leaving all the classes, exams and the thought of you. November comes the fastest please, I long for vacation!


P.S. another reason I started blogging is because of a person, - it is for the hardest thing to say will be written here for the person to understand. Well, it doesn't matter anymore

Break my heart in two

Fed-up!
Yeah with excuses, the reasons why, confusion, loneliness, boredom, drama - with everything and almost everyone.

Why can't things in life be straight? Do what you say, say what you do! Susah sangat ke tu?
Don't turn around anything because you are fucking confusing me and once am confused, I will be pissed bloody off.

I don't feel content and full either. Do I have to leave everything I have with everyone?
Or maybe I should just get away alone! Nobody knows but me. No one will ever understand even when they say they do. Don't even call yourself a friend when you are not even close to understand me.

What's left for me?
I need a shoulder to cry on but, when I look around, am on my own. On my own!!!
Am so stressed out. I want to cry, as loud, as hard, as much as I could.
Am done talking. I just need to cry my heart all out.
Not everything is about everyone. I want everything is about me, HANDLE ME WITH CARE BECAUSE I'M FRAGILE!!

Tolonglah don't talk shit. Jangan cakap lain buat lain. Jangan juga buat empty promises and giving me false hope. Or... don't say anything at all. Am fine with nothing at all.

p.s. come back come back wherever you are. I can't be alone no more. I need someone to give me the shoulder, the hug I long to have.

Holding on

Yes, am vainly looking out for something - something, somehow that moves me.
I know I have been moving around much but am nothing reaching any closer to my destination yet never knew where am going or eventually end up stopping.

I keep telling it's time but, when is it actually 'it's time?'.
My time will either be too late or too early and I usually end up regretting for the too-late-time.
Yeah, am waiting for the perfect time but, what is the perfect time?
There is no such time.

Friends keep asking me to forget as they believe I'll find better even they ask me, how long do I take to forget? I say, I forget for how long I have known.. that's what it takes to forget.

Surprisingly, I never give up you. Though I have hardly tried, I still can't get you off. Though it has been months and there are reasons to forget, even I have enough reason just to ditch you out of my life, but I never wish you are out of mine. I sendiri tidak tahu kenapa walaupun I keep asking myself kenapa. Frankly, i really am tawar hati and maybe sooner or later, i would just keep my life shut off of you. I hanya keep holding on to faith that maybe, someday, we would be as we used to be.. maybe, someday, insya-Allah, in god's will.

Tell me when it's over

am tired, i really am- mentally, emotionally and physically.
but i have to keep moving and moving around, just to move on.

i was the one who used to be happy, nothing else matters but having fun.
as am growing older, i become the person whom i never knew.
sometimes i can get too moody, my mood jumps around everywhere for no particular reason.
to answer the question why, i am not satisfied with my life and how my life turns out to be.
am disappointed with what the world offers me to take in.
am worth more than the pain. i have waited for so long for a miracle. what more it takes to put mercy on me? am fucking tired and fed up!!!!!!!

i rasa kosong! hidup i rasa kosong. i have nothing yang i boleh turn up to.
sometimes i rasa am losing my own self. i dont even know who i really am anymore.
and sometimes i also rasa am moving too fast, sehinggakan i tak tahu apa yg telah i tinggalkan dan apa yg telah tinggalkan i. i need a big slap that brings me back to reality. yes, a big hard slap!

i wish i could turn back time (i know this sounds sick and fucking cliche)
but it all started meeting up with the east. my life becomes complicated.
i wish i could have my normal life back where there will be only me and my girlfriends.
a simple life that makes me tenang. am done drama.
am taking back my steps, am moving forward- skipping the drama.
i dont want to get involved with any of this.
i nak ketenangan and my quality time with my girlfriends, just them, alone.

p.s. god, please make it easy for me. make me slow down. am fragile.

Still loving you

haha how funny when i read my last post, writing about the guitar guy. he is just my distraction.
i needed distraction and more distractions. This means by meeting up new ehem guys.
Tapi, datanglah sebanyak mana distractions, guys, everything still reminds me of him.
I never loved someone as much as this after Fik, my last bestfriend. When the unexpected friend came into my life. I have started loving him lovingly, so deeply until it hurts me when I know I have lost him to someone else or to life of his.

Last saturday, without planning, my friends and I went to TC. Good heavens, I miss TC! TC is my second home. I used to hate Kuantan but not until I found my peace of mind there, now, TC is the place I go to escape.

And... so long I haven't cried since the day I knew I have lost him. I shed my tears for all the good bad days I had there including the days I spent with him. I miss him..... I miss talking and arguing with him... I thought I could stand strong without him... but I will try to stand alone without him.

p.s. I miss hearing my phone rings at 4am and it's you who's calling me.

I just keep moving on to unexpected

Don't call it love but the warm feeling am feeling when you're close to me makes me wonder is this what people meant by no matter how long you have loved someone, once you catch the unexpected person, everything changes.

How surprising am missing the time spending with you. Your guitar strings open up space to squeeze you in my almost broken heart. You look at me straight to the eyes when you're playing rock songs, my heart flies away with the melody. I've been swayed by you.

Though you're not closer than perfection of the man I've been long to be but perfect may occur in another mean of perfection. Now, I see you're perfect in your own way. Never I thought I would feel warm around you but am dependent at the moment of taking me away to be around you, more and more.

Suddenly, I miss you already. We both are strong, much stronger to have the guts to let go the person we love. I just moved on and you just let go the girl you loved. Aren't we the survivors in love? Yes, certainly we are.

Wait for me, I'll be back to be around you and your guitar. You may not know what am feeling, I may not know what am feeling either but for the time being, some things are better left unsaid. Let's just go with the flow and see how we go, how far we go.


p.s. can't stop wanting to be around you. thank you for beautiful days spent.