My day & night

How ironic when I jokingly told my friends that I am feeling lonely and my life feels empty when the next day I found out that my friends found their sayangs and even my ex has a new girlfriend. Now, i really am feeling empty - at times, nights.

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p.s. i love you - is it a fact or just another idea? if i love you, will you love me back? that's definitely won't be a fact but an idea.

Half-awake

I've been giving myself a silent treatment lately. I feel disconnected with my head and heart - still, I am half-awake. Am trying to give myself time and space to find my way back home.

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There are times at night, I wake up feeling lonely. I think, I want and I need to get myself a person whom I could start my day with and end my day with, everyday - although by just using phones, I still value that highly.

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p.s. I just came back from Cameron. Escaped!

I'll come back

khye says:
u jgn cepat sgt nak judge n pk negatif

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Buat pertama kalinya, I pilih my good friend untuk I bercakap instead of my best friend. Entahlah, I tak tahu kenapa I rasa I perlu jauhkan diri sekejap

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I am sorry. I need to give myself away from you. It's not you, it's me. I am confused. There are many people around you who care about you. I don't know whether am I one of them anymore. It confuses me. Truly sorry. I love you, always.

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if you wait for me, then i'll come for you

although i've travelled far, i always hold a place for you in my heart

if you think of me, if you miss me once in a while

then i'll return to you and fill that space in your heart ...

i'll find my way back to you if you'll be waiting

- Tracy Chapman, The Promise

Looking back time

I remember this was the time I went out with my friends to clear my kepala yang serabut 2 months back. Thanks Afat, I took these pictures from your blog. Darling u!

Singular or plural?

• who makes my day everyday
• who will be in my received calls and dialled numbers lists the most
• who could be there at 3 am, 4 or even 5 to call up to
• who keeps in touch with me everyday or almost everyday even with a simple hello
• who could see me when i am invisible
• who really means when saying, sayang
• who makes me happy or at least makes me smile
• and who could make me return the love back

I haven't have a clue who this particular be. I don't want to be surrounded by people with fake drama. I want my life to be real, for real. =)

I choose to be sensible and matured.

Maybe it’s normal to many adolescents to feel the so-called need to try out new things and by new things, I mean not-so-good-new things. I see my friends are changing themselves drastically - drugs, smoking, drinking, losing virginity, law-breaking, identity crisis just to name a few. I don’t judge them and I certainly don’t judge people cuma, I feel sad that I should have realized their changing before they become worse. How funny when all of my friends and each of them is involved at least in one of these so-called cool things. Then again, no one can help them but themselves.

I am no angel too. I was once a smoker and I smoked for about 2 years. I almost took ecstasy but, I came back to my senses before I try them -Syukur Alhamdullilah. The reason why? I don’t feel the need to do so. So, who needs to be blamed for? Kalau dah cakap remaja tu, all youngsters are facing the same problem. We are lost and confused. I don’t blame myself, not my friends and not even other teenagers. One day, we’ll find our ways when we are ready to grow up. I am growing up and nothing tempts me. Freedom!

You are your own teacher

I always wanted to volunteer myself to do community work especially in helping our children in education. To me education is important, that’s how people learn to be civilized. Also, education helps us, Malays to be noticed by other races which I think we have been labeled as ’katak bawah tempurung’ by some group of people for ages. Sedih-kan? We know we’re good so why can’t we show them we’re great in fact. Plus, education is the only way to educate us and a way for us to escape ourselves in many ways.

I am no good myself but I never stop learning - the life itself is a learning process.

p.s. another next thing that i would love to fight for is arts!

Unexpected friend

Waking up with Tori Amos’- Sleeps with butterflies, looking out the window –Ampang is still sleeping and I am missing someone.

Last night before I went to sleep, I watched Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Sebagaimana Joel (Jim Carrey) wants to delete all the memories he has with Clementine (Kate Winslet), sebegitu juga I nak delete you dalam sistem I. Tapi, semakin Joel cuba untuk memadam Clementine, he is fear of losing her forever. Begitu jugalah I rasa. I can’t accept the fact that once you came into my life then you’re gone. Sudah I cuba untuk buat you faham, sepertinya you masih tidak faham. Biarlah, kalau sekali you tidak faham, selamanya you tidak akan faham sebab I have learned that you are lembab haha.

I know am acting strange when I realise I’m about to lose you to someone else. Jealous is a strong word, afraid is more accurate. Yeah, am just afraid of you – giving up me. Entahlah, susah I nak ada faith in someone. Sebab tu I keep pushing people away before I get hurt by them. And, if you terkeliru yang I nak jadi someone you, believe me, I tidak akan jadi your someone.

I harap you faham perangai I macam mana. Kalau I sense that you’re leaving, I’ll immediately leave you. I kesal dengan apa yang berlaku tapi, shit just happens. You are a good friend. Tak pernah gagal to make my day and always there to talk to. So, I hope you faham nilah perangai I. I don't want to lose you either and I tak tahu you tahu atau tidak tapi, I sayang you juga

Macam mana will be my way of showing you, you'll know yourself and I still haven't figured out your way of showing me

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p.s. if only you could listen more of what I want to say and sensitif ke I maybe you'll understand me

None gotten

Maybe if i told you the right words at the right time you'd be mine - Tracy Chapman, Baby can I hold you.

I give up my feelings just to tell myself that I am no fragile.

I hide my
feelings just to tell others that I am happy for their happiness.

I ignore my feelings just to make me confused.

and.. am just beating around the bush..

She's my babe!

I just keep running away from things, babe and I tidak kemana pun walaupun I sentiasa lari dan menghilangkan diri. See, what am I getting sekarang ni? I get confused. Sejauh mana pun I rasa I lari, I keep coming back to where the troubles are. I am tired of looking for reasons to believe in but I know I am stronger in the broken places.

So babe, open up. Tiada gunanya u nak simpan sorang-sorang when u ada i. Biarkan aje I lari sejauh mana dan biarkan aje I sorok di mana-mana aje I nak tetapi, I tidak akan tinggalkan u. U sendiri tahu I am afraid of losing u walaupun I selalu aje buat drama and hal. Haha. I may look cold but I never stop loving the people I love and that includes u.

I love you! =)