Another escape brings me fast boat anxious

I always thought that things happen when we least expected them to happen or when we are about to lose hope, there is where miracle takes place. (Not so true about miracles at times)

I got a phone call from my girlfriend, telling me that we are going to Perhentian on this coming Monday. Just what am needing at this moment, another escape from hustle-bustle KL. This is the only opportunity to recharge and to bring all my senses back so I can have a good life.


p.s. fast boat to get to Perhentian? OMG! Dahla I paranoid bila dekat laut, you're asking me to naik fast boat? Right... tapi as long as I can get there dengan selamat. Then, am all fine. Still.... I gelabah...

In remembering of Fik: To Fie

Remember, thing number 2 I've posted minutes ago, if you love someone, say it out or it passes you by and somehow you realize you never said anything about it and end up blaming yourself.

Frankly, I do not know what love is or how to love someone or even bad, I don't know if I love someone. Until one of the days, my friend asked me, "Are you in love?".
Another friend of mine, "Babe, your eyes are no good in lying. Though I haven't seen you love someone but when you do, I just can tell - straight away."

I DON'T KNOW MYSELF!

To Fie,

Tell me, is it just my feelings that I feel you’re distant or something is actually going on wrong between us? You know, I am pretty much confused with myself. I don’t know what my real feelings are but I think I sayang you. Seeing you distant like this just makes me hanging wondering in disappointment and sadness. I don’t know what are you up to these days even I feel like we don’t talk like we used to talk anymore. Or is it again because I have come to my realization that I sayang you, that is the reason why am feeling uneasy. I don’t know - you tell me, are we ok?

What am I to you? What do you want from me?
Sometimes, I don’t feel normal in our relationship. You tengok sahajalah, dah berapa lama we’ve been friends tapi berapa kali sahaja kita actually lepak? I nak je spend time with you in KL tapi you seem out of reach. Lebih-lebih lagi waktu sekarang ini. You don’t pick-up my call, not even returning any of my calls and the worst for the simplest and easiest way, you don’t reply to my SMS. I tak pernah abaikan you sebab I take you seriously. If you meant what you said before to me, why are you acting like this? Am I not your friend, your best friend as you call it? Sejujurnya, I sedih. What am I if you don’t take me as your friend?

Remember you said to me once that I am your best friend, you need me as I am important in your life where you just can’t leave me and you only have me to talk to? Then, please don’t take me for granted. Please do as you said to me. Please mean what you said. I need you as well and just so you know, you are important to me.

There is one thing you should know, for whatever we are sekalipun, I want to keep whatever we have. I want to be the one or at least among the first ones you will turn up to, yang you cari if anything happens to you. Don't take me be the last to know juga. Also, take me be your crying shoulder.

I am sorry. Sorry for everything I did intentionally or unintentionally especially on what happened in Kuantan. I don't know how it happened but it happened unexpectedly and things shouldn't turn out that way. I wanted to spend time with you but I guess we all were tied up with one another and the surrounding. I regretted on it and am not blaming anyone but, if I could, I would like to go on spending time with you and talk with you for hours and more hours. And Fie, I know I pernah buat you marah dan sakit hati tapi you tak pernah nak cakap dekat I pasal tu. How would I know then if you didn't tell me? I hope the next time if we ada problem or whatsoever, just say it to each other's faces.

Fie, let me tell you something. Remember in Kuantan you kept asking me in the car on what you want? Though I don't have the exact answer but all am saying is, if you keep looking out and not appreciating what you have now, you might just lose everything. If you keep trying new things and new people (girls), you mungkin terlepas apa yang bagus untuk you. You tak akan sedar ini sebab you rasa ini masih tak cukup tapi tanpa disedari you mungkin akan terlepas benda/orang yang buat you complete.

Whatever happens sekalipun, I don't want to lose you even as a friend. Please don't blame me for trying. Am too fragile until I have to hide myself under my ego. Am no good of showing my love but when I really sayang someone, I really am serious about it. Just so you know, I tak akan tinggalkan you for any reason sekalipun. I will always be here and there for you. Even if I terpaksa tinggalkan you, believe me it will takes years to forget someone like you. Even if I happy with others, if you ada, you tetap ada. As long as hati I tak berubah, you akan tetap ada. I bukan nak samakan you dengan my old friend, Fik. Tapi I know what am going through now and what happened before. I don't want to rosakkan whatever we have. I learned my lesson and it hurt me badly before. I don't expect much from you dan I tak sekat whatever you are doing now, I just want you to appreciate me and don't forget me. Take me seriously if you meant apa yang you beritahu I sebelum ni. Even if I am just a friend, still doesn't mean you tak perlu ambil I seriously kan.

Learning in time

Long I have not updated my blog.
Though this is my freedom of expression where not all my friends know that I do blogging but those (also only two or three persons) who come across this page of expression, I hope there is no judgment made. This is just another random posts, stories by an anonymous that everyone, once in a while is having in times.

In times, things are changing - so as people, so as feelings, so as myself. There is so much to learn in so little time or maybe in so little time, accidentally I learn many things.

Things I have learned so far:

1. I don't know what I want but I certainly know what I don't want. Though I know what I don't want but still, it doesn't make me any clearer of what I want.
2. Don't ask me 'Are you happy?' because that is the question I have been asking myself all this while.
3. If you love someone, say it out or it passes you by and somehow you realize, you never said anything.
   
4. And yes, I am lonely but am not desperately looking for a man. May he comes in time.
   

To whom I wouldn't allow to know what my real feelings are

I SAYANG YOU,
As easy as it means, as hard as it says
I never really thought I could come across of loving you
Though am not expecting much
But all am saying is that I care for your happiness and sadness
Once I was afraid of losing you
But if that what makes you stay with me, am letting you go
As hurt as it may be, willingness am giving
Your coolness hides your inner-self
Where believe me, you are as good as a human should be
Words are not easy to be saying by me
As blurry as you see, am trying to let you know that I take the world of you
Come closer to think of it, holding back is what I have chosen
Timing is everything here
If you are seeing me like am seeing you
A secret am keeping will be revealed without a word
Have never I love you less and less
Always running in clouds, day and night
As you may not realize, am missing you though I may seem rough
I sayang you though I may not showing it
As afraid of the world, more afraid of breaking

p/s: I have been mixing with random people lately. Somehow, it sets me free from the confusion and thoughts that stuck for years in myself. Slowly, am distancing loved ones just to find back the sparkles that used to have. As much as I love them, as much of not losing them I pray. And for some reasons, I can’t leave a person whom I love. Though I might have meeting possible person to tackle my heart but I don’t have the heart to let him go. Maybe there are chances but timing is the matter. Well, maybe it is just a false hope. I don’t know. I cant tell this as he is so much close than far. But, am trying to leave this to the flow, see where it takes us. As long as the heart still wakes up for him, the long I will be loving...

Leaving in peace

Am trapped with own confusion - to go away or to be gone away.

Insecurity eats me up, shrink the feelings I have and had.

Afraid of own choice, might leave in emptiness.

From the days i started to leave you to days i wanted you to be around, am hopelessly tired.

......

Life has its ups and downs - make the most of it

What is done, done

If leaving is the choice - leaving in peace I choose

.

p.s. nothing feels as high as SKL

She needs white space

she says:
i think its easier to tell someone who knows u but doesnt know u like ur best friends know u

he says:
yeah...i totally agree. ur bestfriend wud understand u well

she says:
yeah best friends understand us well but when the problem is about them, they will not understand and i cant tell them

he says:
yeah i knoe what u mean....sometimes they ambil hati when its bout them. kadang kala its best to tolerate la when ur best friend upsets u

.....

he says:
maybe u need some time alone

yes indeed i need space.

Always bickering!

It was 4 am in the morning when my friends were complaining about their boyfriends. Khye just finished talking to Aliff but was pissed off and Sheila was arguing with Stanley. This is normal, seeing them fighting every night on the phone.

They once asked, is this still love after years they have been together?

Entahlah, macam mana I nak jawab when I, myself tidak pernah ada serious relationship. If it is worth the fight then stick to your boyfriend. A relationship needs compromising. It is ok if you give in more than your boyfriend, he’ll catch up.

You know friends, nak cari someone sahaja sudah takes time and it takes years to get to know someone lagi. Berapa tahun lagi you mahu untuk settle down when u have reached 20s? So, think before you leave your boyfriend, mungkinkah chances to get to know someone itu ada lagi? And even if you nak cari someone, you have to cari someone yang jauh lebih baik daripada the old one, don’t go for the lebih kurang one. No point of looking for a new one then – until or unless your boyfriend is a total jerk, memang patutlah you tinggalkan dia.

p.s What happens when the love just stops?